what a difference a drink makes.

i've always though of my self as a person who is determined, usually set on what he wants and works hard to achieve it. follows rules quite well (or at least tries to). i have a rule of not shitting where you eat. it's simple, blunt and not very easy to follow. in several instances i've managed to put my emotions on the line to stick to this rule. just like in several occasions i've managed to fuck this up. 

i recall once, after a long drunken night, i spent the night with someone i was in a show with. for some reason it escalated to a near full blown relationship and i felt like, well, shit. the situation resolved to an incredible tension back stage, and an incredibly fake relationship on stage- not a professional situation to be involved in. 

i have been in some show-derived relationships that survived the production's run. they usually dissolve as we begin to know each other outside of a show, out of character. 

i will admit, not every breakage of this rule has been futile. one of the relationships i've learned the most from derived from a "showmance" as i've recently learned to label these intensely charged relationships. we were together for two and a half years, vacationed together, met the parents, lived together, the works. 

a few nights ago, after a shot of robitusin and three vodka drinks, a couple of cast-mates and i hit the castro. you know trouble is coming when three young, single, horny, drunk gay men hit the castro. one thing lead to another and i'm kissing a cast-mate.  

reluctant to part take in another possibly fatal case of "shomance", we decided to have that night be knows as "the night when we got tanked"- it was pretty evident that it was not to be repeated. i preface the following questions not out of infatuation but out of situational thinking. i begin to question, is it ever ok to break your own rules? under what circumstances does something become more than momentary infatuation? naturally, by momentary i mean week, even month long moments. 

on what might seem like an entirely unrelated topic, i have a slight fear of missing out on life, experiences, knowledge. i suppose this is why i will most likely try everything once. i'll speak to strangers and listen to their life stories in order to live vicariously through them. though this vicarious lifestyle, i've managed to re-live pre television times, the chilean military coup of 1973 and even some of the hardships of homelessness (to name a few). when you date someone, you not only learn about a person and his experiences but you also learn about their way of thinking, dealing and even feeling. in essence, your learn to see things in ways you didn't see before. 

i usually don't have a plan of what i'm going to write when i start a blog. there's a general idea, like "showmance" but the final outcome always manages to surprise me. i suppose it's due to the soul searching process of finding the right words to express what one means. after reading, and re reading, this entry (especially the previous paragraph), i'm beginning to think that, for a person who craves life experience, i'm certainly not as open as i should be. this is not to say that i'm considering starting to date people i work with, but perhaps i should be open to the idea of considering it. 

5am music (part deux)

i've been having rather odd dreams lately. they involve friends, cast mates, exes. friend's moms, the works. last night i dreamt that i was on vacation. i suddenly see a cast mate's (who's slowly becoming a friend) mother walking around. she says hello and i replied with a surprised what's up. i carry on with my vacation and run into another cast mate. we kissed. i remember thinking "what's going on here?" it was a rather sexually charged kissed that repeated twice throughout the dream. at one point he jumped in the shower with me at which point i thought "oh, i get it, i'm dating this person in this dream, or at least fucking him". 

i once read somewhere that having sex with someone in a dream means that there's an aspect of that person that you want to develop within yourself. i began to think. what is it? he's a talented actor, a composer, pianist, singer, song writer. it suddenly hit me. i haven't created anything in a while. sure, i'm involved in two dance projects and a show that's up and running. simultaneously, i'm auditioning for dance companies and talent agencies. i'm a "working performer" one would say. the thing is i'm working on other people's work. 

i was woken up at 5 am by tonight's dream- hence the title of this blog,  5 am music. i was watching Edith Piaff sing L'Accordeoniste (one of my favorite songs).  i was dancing to it. not playing the part of the prostitute, but that of the soldier that's off to war, thinking of the love he's left behind. when his love gives up, he dies. i remember thinking that it was the biggest cliche in the world. "torn lover dies following the death of his love". funny how cynical i can be even in my dreams. my cynicism was soon shot down when i began to see specific movement. music playing, this ronde jambe followed by a turn thingy. i don't want to get specific but i liked it. 

the other day i dreamt that i was performing a dance that started off on a 6 inch wide beam suspended 4 feet off the air. i was hanging upside down from it, jumping off it, all kinds of things. maybe i just need to create something. 

here's my beef with creating your own work. you can do other people's work and watch it fail. the responsibility a performer has in that case isn't a risky one as he's just following the director's orders. when a performer creates something that he himself presents, it becomes much more personal. to watch it fail would be lethal i feel. i don't know if i can take it. 

there's also the idea that everything has been done before. everything has been said before.i am a firm believer of this, until i walk into a truly inspiring production and get blown away by the innovation those fuckers had.  i've walked away thinking "man that was new" or "i want to be a part of this project" it's never been "why didn't i think of that?" 

on a non entirely unrelated subject. stephen sondheim once said:

George: I've nothing to say

Dot: You have many things

George: Well, nothing that's not been said

Dot: Said by you, though, George

i almost hate to admit that the man has a point. no one arrives at a masterpiece thinking that everything has been said. or not taking the risk of saying something in their own words. perhaps L'Accordeoniste should come to life? perhaps "Dreamers"? i just don't know if i'm ready. being vulnerable on stage is one thing. opening up your self, your source of inspiration, your visceral feelings for others to read is something completely different.