god i hope i get it

i got a call from the audition that i had a while back. no, it's not for a chorus line, it's theme song just happens to be playing non stop in my head. 

THEY WANT TO HAVE ANOTHER CALL BACK! ah! why don't they just tell me no already!?! "there's a few of you that i want to see again in a week or so" she said. and then it will be another dreaded audition. only it will be different this time. the first time i went to this audition, i didn't really care whether i got in or not. i had no idea what their work process was like, i didn't know what the project was going to be. i took it like a random dance class. this time around, however, i want to get the job. i want to be hanging off a 2nd story window off a building in the mission. i want to be challenged at rehearsal... ahhh!. 

i often wonder why i chose this career path. most career paths have a very specific currency. banking has money, doctors have drugs, actors/dancers have emotions. we often don't get paid for what we do, yet we expose ourselves and become vulnerable on stage in way that many people don't ever experience. to top it off, we spend our career opening our selves up to rejection through every audition. it really is fucked up. 

then there's the waiting period, between auditioning and hearing the casting. you've auditioned, poured your self out on that stage and then you have to wait. a day? a week end? a week? during that week, i spend most of the time going over the audition and thinking of every possible reason why they would or would not take me. i think of the competition and somehow forget any mistakes they might have made. for some reason everyone else is incredibly amazing and much more likely to be cast. i usually follow this thought by crawling under a blanket with a pint of rocky road ice cream and watch auntie mame. "DAAAAAAAAAARLIN'!!"

every now an then a miracle happens. you do the audition and feel the casting director smile, lean over to the director and whisper. you know you've got it. you walk out of the audition and it's almost like the ground is made of squishy fluffyness. it's almost like floating. so you go home and treat your self to a glass of wine, or a bottle.