"you know i don't mean it like that" (1 am music)

i remember when i first moved to san francisco. i was 18, leaving a close-ish-knit family circle that revolved around family dinners and religion. still uncomfortable with my english speaking skills, i graduated high school, came out and convinced my self that san francisco was the right move for me- the promised land for newly initiated gay men. 

i had just become aware of the term "that' so gay" when i left LA nearly 8 years ago- i was a late bloomer. the negativity engraved within that statement can be described as unmeasurable. it didn't take me long to figure that out. though i understood the negative connotations implied by "that's so gay" i was a bit confused. i kept thinking, "i'm not that" meaning, i'm not dumb, poor of quality nor a bad idea. perhaps my community is? 

i will admit, there are things that are "gay". 

wearing rainbow feather boas during pride weekend: yup, pretty gay. 

singing along to la cage aux folles: quite gay.

rocking out by your self to gloria gaynor's "i will survive" in your underwear: well, yes, quite gay.

come to think of it, all of the things that i've mentioned are things SOME gay people do, not all. and even if we all did these activities, are they so wrong? i'm curious to know what's wrong with them. 

i've often tried to explain the inner upheaval that happens whenever i hear such phrase. some say that you have to be one to name one- meaning; you have to be gay to call another gay man a "fag" or to label something as "gay" (i.e. "that's gay"). what a silly double standard, right? if a word is to be banned, it should be banned in it's entirety, not just in certain social circles. finally, after years of analyzing and contemplating why some people get away with using offensive language with the "i don't mean it like that" excuse, i've come to the realization that no straight man has been hurt or humiliated by the word "faggot" the same way a gay man has. 

it's been hard to not take it personal throughout the years. it could be very easy to reverse the roles and replace gay with something that is personal to the individual using it. saying "that's so fat!" as my newly appointed offender with a weight problem stuffs his/her face with a super burrito seems, not comparable but equally as offensive. 

i keep thinking, "i must be the bigger person" and "they've told me they don't really mean it like that" but even if it's not meant like "that", the fact of the matter is that offensive words are still being used.