somebody get me a wagon i wanna get on it!

'tis 5 am and i have rehearsal at 9... 45. i woke up with a strange feeling. i don't know what it's called, but it felt like my sheets were sticking to me, i was over heating, my stomach was about to explode and i was slowly sinking through the mattress. i could've sworn i heard a little voice waaaaaaay out into the distance screaming "water me!" it might have been my dehydrated body, i don't know. after fighting that odd sinking, sticking feeling i decided to get up and drink some water, empty my stomach and do it all without fully waking up so that i could fall back asleep. needless to say, i failed. 

i began to think of the night's conversation, how it involved catching up with an old, dear friend. we talked about exes, life, artistic fulfillment, finances, careers and love. what else do you ever talk about, really? all over a table full, and i mean FUUULLL  of yummy food and good conversationalists, or at least listeners. at one point she said "you're always getting involved in a million projects that don't pay anything" to which i replied, "they're starting to pay a little more." a statement that is true, but for some reason, leaves me with an odd feeling. she said "things seem to really be happening for you" and i felt even weirder. i'm wondering, is this really going to happen? am i actually climbing a latter that will lead me somewhere in the tear of performance artists? i mean, this shit doesn't happen. you only read about it: "so and so saw me in this and decided to cast me in such and such and now i'm getting my oscar." it's a fairy tale. 

i was speaking with my mother and she said "you're going to go places, but you need to keep your feet on the ground." what does that involve i wonder? i suppose never becoming a diva and always keeping your head on your shoulders (a term equally as vague but for some reason decrypting enough for the sentence's purpose). i also suppose it means staying away from drugs and alcohol- something i've failed to do. perhaps it means thanking everyone you work with and always acknowledging that every experience is a learning experience, no matter how old and wise you get. 

so i'm making a checklist: 

stay sober

don't be a diva

thank everyone

learn from everyone

be kind and helpful 

is this really the key to success? 

back to dinner. i'm getting paid more and working with people that know a lot more than i do. and i swear to god the following words just blurted out of my mouth "and here i am drinking my life away on a work night" to which my friend replied "we all do it." suddenly memories of peer-pressure-filled teenage years come flooding to my mind. is this what makes the difference between successful individuals and people who give up their calling? a certain deviance from the "everyone is doing it" norm? i'm suddenly reluctant to be successful. i like drinking. i like drug-ing. is there a balance? i wonder. 

for now, i'll get on a wagon. it should do me ok. maybe two? three weeks? save some money and keep my body watered. what a concept!